This section features miscellaneous little observations and ponderances from the notebooks I’ve written in over the years. If you’re looking for sage advice on a serious matter in your life… well, don’t look here. But if laughter is what you need…well, don’t look here either. Just read on and you’ll understand…

  • Just think…if our country’s forefathers hadn’t fought so valiantly to win the revolutionary war we’d all be speaking English right now.
  • The bicycle is a unicycle for the inept.
  • You never get a second chance to make a first impression, but there’s always a first chance to make a second or third impression.
  • Back in the old days my father used to say “Son, when I was your age we didn’t have old days. But when you’re my age you’ll be able to say “Back in the old days…”
  • If you ever see a 12 inch doll that looks just like you don’t stick a needle in it.
  • Fanfare is better than cab fare.
  • Toilets are sinks for your butt. Sinks are toilets for your face.
  • Sure, sometimes it’s hard to cope with reality but can you imagine not being able to cope with fantasy?
  • I hate those stamps that weigh 2 ounces and only cover 1 ounce of postage.
  • Don’t you wish you could jay-walk through some parts of your life?
  • When you go to the doctor sometimes they give you a cup to pee in. Sometimes they give you a cup to poop in, but when you have a cold why don’t they hand you a cup and say “here, blow your nose in this.”
  • Every day you live is like a payment on your life loan.
  • To take action is to take a thought’s virginity.
  • I bet when sliced bread was invented is was the best invention since… well, a whole loaf of bread.
  • If a mime falls in the woods do you hear him?
  • If you quit trying to be a quitter you’re still a quitter.
  • Getting over people we’ve known in our past is kind of like driving: sometimes there are speedbumps, other times there are mountains.
  • Since they can’t see the stars too well at night I wonder if the people in L.A. just wish upon the smog.
  • A thought is an action’s rough draft.
  • It’s hard for most people to believe that they can make a living doing what they love since most people can’t even make a living doing something they hate.
  • Hat + ate= hate. So don’t eat a hat.
  • Anxiety is mental heartburn.
  • E=MC² unless you’re a dog.
  • “If looks could kill I wouldn’t really care.” – Some blind guy.
  • No man is an island but there are a few peninsulas.
  • A sponge walks into a bar and says “spill me a beer.”
  • Oxymoron #681,543: “American Realism”
  • The United States was an occident waiting to happen.
  • If we had to marry sanity I would’ve started alimony payments a long time ago.
  • I never make misstakes.
  • I always say “there’s no time like the present” but I usually say it “a day late and a dollar short.”
  • alliterations are a dime a dozen.
  • You reap what you sow, that’s why instead I just dig a hole and put stuff in it.
  • I don’t mind working at my job, it’s being there that I hate.
  • I think people like me because there are no strings attached.*
  • The worst part about losing your mind when you’re out shopping is going up to the service desk and having them page it for you.
  • Clip-on ties are convenient until you go through a metal detector.
  • It’s hard for gay people to keep a straight face.
  • “Is this my water, Lou?” – Napoleon
  • The French gave us the Statue of Liberty. We gave them Jerry Lewis.
  • The I.R.S. is the toll booth of life.
  • Give some people a hand and they take the whole arm.
  • A semicolon’s just a half-ass sentence ender.
  • Some women don’t get out of prison until they’re old and menopausal. I guess you could say there’s no period at the end of their sentence.
  • The day I finally swallowed my pride I choked on it in front of a large crowd, making a total fool of myself.
  • The rain is good sleeping weather. Unless you’re homeless.
  • Sometimes a smile is just an upside down frown.
  • There’s a fine line between smiling and gritting your teeth happily.
  • Behind every great smile lies a tongue giving you the finger.
  • There’s a fine line between sleeping with your eyes open and watching T.V.
  • Research shows that five out of four people is a fifth wheel.
  • There comes a point in every person’s life where people stop caring about what point in life they’re in.
  • If I was a newly released movie I would’ve probably gone straight to video.
  • Pam Shoo invented shampoo.
  • Black and white television was the greatest invention to come along since clear television.
  • We need trepenation like we need a hole in the head.
  • I don’t get even I get odd.
  • I don’t get mad. I don’t get even… hey, I just realized… I don’t do anything.
  • Make love not peace.
  • One time I put a quarter in a vending machine and it said to me, “Hey, how do you expect me to put my kids through college with this chump change?!!!”
  • One time a friend of mine came to my house. He says “Hey, buddy, you’ve owed me fifty bucks for the last year and a half, now enough’s enough– cough it up!” I literally coughed up the money. He got really scared, forgot about the money and ran off. Try it some time, it really works!
  • Objects in Miro appear closer than they art.
  • Petrology: Science dealing with rocks. Petrockogy: Science dealing with pet rocks.
  • “I’m the one who said all those great anonymous quotes.” – anonymous
  • “$12.95” – From the book of all-time great quotes.
  • Happiness is a happiness t-shirt.
  • Give people an inch and they call you a tight-wad.
  • The best way to find something you lost is to go out and buy another one. Then when you get back home you’ll find the lost item immediately.
  • Dogs are such great pets. I have a dog that lives in a ditch in the back yard. He howls, drinks beer….. No, wait… that’s my Uncle Tony. Nevermind.
  • If you miss your big break in life just remember this: opportunity is only a chance to disappoint more people than you already are.
  • There’s a fine line between being a meteorologist and a meaty urologist.
  • Agent Blue: “I’m still mad about the health problems you gave me in Vietnam” Agent Red: “That wasn’t me, that was Agent Orange.”
  • Paralysis runs in my family.
  • The optimist says the glass is half full, but what if it’s half full of crap?
  • A black guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender “have you seen a Polish guy and a Rabbi around here?”
  • A paraplegic walks into a bar and says “Lord, it’s a miracle!”
  • A dyslexic guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender “give me a reeb.”
  • A beer walks into a bar and says “give me a drunk.”
  • A school test writer walks into a bar and says to the bartender “give me a ____________.”
  • God bless pantheism.
  • There’s a fine line between a clear conscience and bouts of amnesia.
  • My car slows down faster than it speeds up.
  • All of comedy is the same joke redone a billion different ways.
  • I dedicated my last haircut to all the janitors.